When we approached the task of teaching Henry to sleep in his crib and self soothe (we're still working on that one), we did a lot of online reading. The articles and blogs themselves were pretty opinionated, and tried to sound as credible as possible. Really though, Zac and I were totally aware that baby raising opinions are (for the most part) anecdotal at best. The author of each had developed a system for caring for their own child that seemed to totally meet that child's needs and work for the parent. Wonderful! I respect and admire that! However, it was clear that some of their suggestions and techniques would not work for my family. By reading several different takes on the issue we were able to take a bit of each one and create our own parenting cocktail we nicknamed "crib training." Because, hey, we are Henry's parents and we know him 100% better than any author or doctor or specialist, so we did what we knew would work best, and that's great!
I really appreciate those parents who shared their experiences. They were quite helpful, even if I didn't agree with everything they said. However, when I scrolled down to the bottom of the page and read the comments I was horrified! Mothers were slinging comments at each other like punches and tying the use of parenting techniques to self worth--seriously! Besides being puzzled by these women's apparent lack of "better things to do," I just couldn't (and cant) understand how sleep training or not sleep training reveals everything about a mother. This is probably because it doesn't.
I think the problem stems from good intentions. We as parents are passionate about our children. We want what is best for them. Consequently, we feel passionate about the way we raise them in our effort to give them the best. With the hope of giving all children the kind of childhood we are offering to our own children (the best we know of), we adamantly share our opinions and experiences. And if we feel to our very core that we are right on a topic, and that another parenting practice is hopelessly wrong we want to correct them. Unfortunately, sometimes in our passionate manifestation of these good intentions we forget that we are communicating with another human being, a mother or father, who is just doing the best they can.
I call this "Mommy Training." It is kind of like sleep training, but instead of following a routine and letting a child "cry it out" to learn independence, we attack and judge each other to try and get a result. Yikes, right? Here are a five reminders to help you if you are ever tempted to "Mommy Train:"
Every child is different, and so is every parent. Our individuality is what makes us unique. We have different love languages, health requirements, opinions, talents, deficiencies, etc. How egocentric it is to assume that every parenting experience can and should be like our own in spite of the obvious diversity inherent in individuality! If a parent chooses to teach or discipline their child differently (except for in cases of abuse), and it is working for them there is no reason to interfere and share our own opinions.
Your definition of child abuse may be too broad. Child abuse and neglect are behaviors that actually threaten the safety and health of a child. Signs are malnourishment, unexplained injuries, excessive fearfulness, etc. Click on this link to see more warning signs of child abuse. Letting a child "cry it out" and forgetting to braid your daughter's hair are not manifestations of abuse. I mean, I let my son climb in a kitchen cupboard at my church. That doesn't mean I was going to cook him and eat him!
Parents already have plenty to feel guilty about. We parents have enough trouble shooing away the "guilties" as it is. So if you are about to join guilt's team over some personal experience or opinion you can just stay quiet. Seriously, freeze those finger. Nobody wants to read your manipulative sass.
YOU CAN SHARE YOUR OPINION NICELY! See what I did there? There is no reason for all caps--that was not an appropriate time to yell. In fact, there is never an appropriate time to yell online. Like, ever. The internet should not be a place where civility goes to die, and if you are a thoughtful, educated parent with worthy opinions to share you should already know that! Besides, a friend is always better than an enemy. Persistently friendly words will take you a lot further than a harsh scolding will.
That other mother you're harassing--you're not her parent! Seriously though, we are not each others parents. It is not our place to discipline and correct each other. It just isn't our business. Period. So, stop judging, and if you slip up and judge then at least have the decency to keep it to yourself.
That's it. This is my wisdom. It is also anecdotal and opinionated, but hey, I'm not telling you how to raise your kid--just how to follow the Golden Rule online. So please keep my opinions in mind as you traverse the mommy wars of the internet. Take it easy on those other parents, and don't be too tough on yourself either!
Love,
Miriam
