"But It's So Wonderful..."

I think that there probably comes a time in every first pregnancy when a terrifying realization hits you harder and faster than your latest case of volatile heartburn. You already know that there is a sweet little baby growing inside your lovely, round belly, but you suddenly understand with shocking sharpness that the baby has to come out of you somehow, and soon.

No matter how often you have thought about the birthing process, and regardless of the trepidation you may have already felt, you inevitably experience a paralyzing fear as you notice that there are more incredibly swollen fingers on your hand than weeks left on your kick counter.

And that baby has to come out somehow. When I experienced this realization, I alternated between moments of courageous calm, and moments of frantic panic. I racked my brain trying to think of ways to escape. And because my brain was no longer fully functional my ideas for escaping were completely absurd. For example:
"I'll hide behind that pole." Yeah, right.
"Maybe I can cryogenically freeze myself and defrost when I feel ready." Um...Seriously?
"I will hop that fence and make a run for it." Bahahaha! 

I was fine through my due date--ready as I would ever be for my son to come. But then, as I continued to exist with no signs of labor, I really felt that I could stay that pregnant forever, and it seemed silly to mess with that possibility.

But, everyone around me had other ideas, and an induction was scheduled for six days after my due date. Cue the rapid fire of implausible escape routes. The suddenly dreaded day arrived, and I found myself waddling into the hospital with an almost tangible weight of fear on my shoulders, though I was already heavier than I thought possible.

To my relief and amazement the induction started well, and by well I mean amazing, because even though I was having major contractions, and hadn't been given any pain medications, I didn't feel a thing. My nurse was declaring things like, "maybe you'll just sail through this whole thing. That happens you know." I didn't think I would be that lucky, but maybe it wouldn't be too bad. Um... no, definitely not. Discomfort swept in at an alarming rate, and within minutes I was begging for my epidural. If you are familiar with the course of a normal delivery without complications then you know the gist of what happened during the rest of my childbirth experience. All in all it wasn't that bad. But it was bad.Without giving you a play by play of the gory ordeal, let me just say, unspeakable things happened to me in that room, unspeakable things.

Equally ineffable was the result.

Before I was pregnant, even before starting a family had even become a topic of interest for my husband and I, my mother-in-law would regale me with horror stories about her own pregnancy and child birth experiences. At the end of each episode, upon noticing the expression of terror on my face she would conclude with one of the following phrases: "but it's so wonderful," or, "but it's really magical," or, "but when ________ (insert beautiful aspect of pregnancy) happens you feel so happy." I felt sure that this was done to prevent me from swearing off motherhood forever.

Throughout my pregnancy this was a running joke. Every time a pregnancy symptom was bothering me my husband or I would comment, "but it's so magical," and laugh it off. But by the end of my nine + months of gestational misery-bliss, I knew that it was true, and true of childbirth as well. It is wonderful that a woman's body can grow another human, it is magical to be a participant in that process, and when you hold your new baby in your arms for the first time you feel so happy. 

I have been told that you forget it all once it's over, and that the pain is softened by memory. In my experience this is not true. I remember with perfect clarity the things I had to endure to bring my son into the world. Yes, childbirth can be horrifying (and raising your baby isn't always a picnic either), but the reason I hope to do it all over again is this: it. is. so. magical. and wonderful. and happy. I have been gloriously blessed to bear my son, and I think about that every day. Not all women are given this most precious opportunity, and knowing that makes my heart ache, but also reminds me to have gratitude. This is not a fate you want to escape, so set aside any fence hopping, sneaky hiding, and self-freezing plans you may have, and instead repeat these words in your mind: "it is so magical".