Infertility in a Time of Babies

*Dear, wonderful readers of my blog.  You are fantastic people who consistently read my words out of the sweet goodness of your hearts, and I appreciate you immensely. I would like to show my appreciation by being consistent-- a mommy blogger you can count on to always be there for you on posting day. Last week (and a few other weeks in the past) I failed you. Please understand, last week was a rough week for me. An illustration of the difficulty is that I wore the same pair of maternity shorts every day last week. I'm not pregnant. I fit into all of my non-maternity clothes just fine. I just couldn't resist the ease and comfort of that elastic band. So, I wore them. Every. Single. Day. This is not something that I'm proud of. As I glanced at my fifth-day-in-a-row maternity shorts, and my very long to-do list I decided that I needed a break. I hope you can understand. Love, Miriam.*

In my life it is the time of babies. A sweeping glance over my Facebook feed will show you that. Literally one in three posts is about the children or grandchildren of friends. It is fun and full of joy and empathy--truly glorious. The posts are loud and bright, so much so that the contrasting non-posts of other friends is so quiet I almost miss it--but not quite.

As much as my heart fills with joy at the happiness of my friends with baby-filled homes, it breaks deeply for those lovely and dear friends who have not been blessed with that opportunity in spite of their best efforts and most sincere prayers. Some blog about their experiences, but it is a private, painful thing, and I think many of these blog to put an end to all of the uninvited and personal questions about their family planning. Others stay silent, and their own posts contain other happy things in their life. I cannot imagine how it must feel to struggle with infertility in the time of babies...but I can guess.

After my first pregnancy ended so abruptly I was bitter. I would never wish such a tragedy on anyone, but as I scrolled through a never ending list of pictures of pregnant woman cradling their beautifully swollen bellies, and the stunningly gorgeous shots of my friends' infants the perceived injustice of it all stung.

Soon enough, I was posting beautiful pictures of my own, and overjoyed with my blessings. It was suddenly so easy to live happy  thoughts. But sometimes I imagine what it might have been like to be crushed and yearning for a child every day for months and years, possibly without end while daily viewing the happiness of others who had been blessed with the desire of my heart. Then my imaginings are interrupted by my rambunctious son, who is incredible and the perfect embodiment of my own prayers and wishes, and I breath a guilty sigh of relief that I have only had a small, theoretical glimpse into that disappointment.

My point is of course not that the only value in being a woman is bearing children, or that it is impossible to be happy without them. My aforementioned friends are evidence that both of these ideas are completely false. Neither is my point that those of us who have been blessed with growing families should stop posting so much joy, as if we are rubbing it in. My point is that we mothers shouldn't let our joy and comraderie leave others forgotten.

I have noticed a division in church and our society as a whole between the child-blessed and the childless. How many of you with children regularly spend time with childless women from your church? Based on my experience, not too many.

I have no desire to shame anyone, but I do urge you to change. Often I have heard justifications like these:
"We don't have that much in common," "I'm just in a different stage of life right now," "It's much easier to coordinate with women who have children the same age as mine, and I am terribly busy." These excuses make sense, but they do not justify excluding a childless woman. Linda K. Burton, the General Relief Society President of my church offered the following advice: "First observe, then serve." (You can read her entire address here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/first-observe-then-serve?lang=eng). This principle is simple, and powerful. If we each make it a priority to take notice of others around us, including those not currently part of our circles, and then act on those observations we might find that we can provide comfort and friendship to those suffering from infertility in the time of babies. Every single one of us is important, and the number of children we have does not increase or decrease our value and shouldn't make us more or less relevant to each other. We are all women, we should reach out and care for each other-- extending kindness and friendship to all.

The Value of Staying Quiet

This week, an incredibly unpleasant man at the grocery store helped me to develop a skill that is greatly undervalued in our society. The skill is biting your tongue--and I mean literally biting your tongue, which I did three times during this encounter (he was really that nasty).

I think everyone has experienced a confrontation, and immediately after its conclusion thought "this is what I should have said." It's incredible how easily the most articulate and cutting words arrive in our minds just after it is too late. This did not happen to me. I knew instantly exactly what I wanted to say, and how I wanted to say it (hence the tongue biting). I also knew that I was right. The problem is, that being right doesn't matter all that much. A wise professor I once had said, "It isn't enough to be right. You have to be right with your brother." 

It seems that our society has confused standing up for yourself with saying whatever you want to say. These are not the same thing. You can't stand up for yourself if you lose who you are because of the things you say. Giving someone a well deserved piece of your mind is not worth sacrificing your integrity. Taking the high road is seldom easy. For me it was really, really hard!  But as I pushed my cart away with my tongue still clamped between my teeth, and looked into my baby's eyes and the eyes of the other bystanders I realized that engaging in an argument with Mr. Grumpypants would have affected each of them. I felt truly grateful that I had no reason to feel ashamed of my conduct. That unpleasant man could be unpleasant to his heart's content...by himself.

Biting your tongue and turning the other cheek is not weakness--it doesn't mean that you need to become more assertive. Being kind and patient is heroic. Those who bite their tongue and choose to speak only with calm and kindness are the unsung heroes of our world. They are the parents who choose the words they say to maintain a peaceful home. They are the leaders who prevent our organizations and countries from collapsing with their diplomacy. They are the teachers who make a difference. They are the people who make a difference. By employing compassion and peace and kindness they spread it, and our world needs much, much more of these things.

I hope that we can all choose kindness more, and I hope that when the kind words don't come we have the strength of character to bite our tongues.