The Value of Staying Quiet

This week, an incredibly unpleasant man at the grocery store helped me to develop a skill that is greatly undervalued in our society. The skill is biting your tongue--and I mean literally biting your tongue, which I did three times during this encounter (he was really that nasty).

I think everyone has experienced a confrontation, and immediately after its conclusion thought "this is what I should have said." It's incredible how easily the most articulate and cutting words arrive in our minds just after it is too late. This did not happen to me. I knew instantly exactly what I wanted to say, and how I wanted to say it (hence the tongue biting). I also knew that I was right. The problem is, that being right doesn't matter all that much. A wise professor I once had said, "It isn't enough to be right. You have to be right with your brother." 

It seems that our society has confused standing up for yourself with saying whatever you want to say. These are not the same thing. You can't stand up for yourself if you lose who you are because of the things you say. Giving someone a well deserved piece of your mind is not worth sacrificing your integrity. Taking the high road is seldom easy. For me it was really, really hard!  But as I pushed my cart away with my tongue still clamped between my teeth, and looked into my baby's eyes and the eyes of the other bystanders I realized that engaging in an argument with Mr. Grumpypants would have affected each of them. I felt truly grateful that I had no reason to feel ashamed of my conduct. That unpleasant man could be unpleasant to his heart's content...by himself.

Biting your tongue and turning the other cheek is not weakness--it doesn't mean that you need to become more assertive. Being kind and patient is heroic. Those who bite their tongue and choose to speak only with calm and kindness are the unsung heroes of our world. They are the parents who choose the words they say to maintain a peaceful home. They are the leaders who prevent our organizations and countries from collapsing with their diplomacy. They are the teachers who make a difference. They are the people who make a difference. By employing compassion and peace and kindness they spread it, and our world needs much, much more of these things.

I hope that we can all choose kindness more, and I hope that when the kind words don't come we have the strength of character to bite our tongues.