Henry is a generally happy baby, but he has moments. Like, serious moments. Moments when I worry that some good Samaritan will get the wrong idea, and call child protective services. Zac and I refer to this phenomena as Henry's"hulk rage," because of the torrent of emotions that consumes Henry.When reflecting on "hulk rage" moments, two in particular come to mind. The first occurred when Henry was about four months old. As previously mentioned on this blog he is sensitive to dairy. By four months old Henry was well passed the 12 week mark, which the lactation expert we consulted identified as the point when his digestive system should be matured, and his gut sealed; so we decided to do a test to see if we could reintroduce dairy. I ate a small piece of cheese, and 20 hours later we had our answer: dairy is definitely not OK.
It is so not OK, that he screamed for 90 minutes straight, and no amount of colic calm, or tummy rubs, or bicycling of legs could calm him. About 30 minutes in to this ordeal, I started to worry. My neighbors were all young college students without children. What if their annoyance with our noisy baby escalated into concern for his well being. After 60 minutes of crying my worst fear was realized: there was a knock on my door. I immediately tried to camouflage my exhaustion with a smile that I hoped looked sincere. Luckily, my visitors were members of my church, and not officials come to assess my capability as a mother.
The second time was in the bathroom of a Kohl's department store. Henry hulked out because I had the audacity to change his diaper before feeding him. Bathrooms have great acoustics, and the incredible volume of his wails made me realize that all of the lectures I had ever received about not listening to loud music were a complete waste of time. I was clearly going to be deaf anyway. Throughout this ordeal I also had the pleasure of seeing the priceless expression of every woman and child who entered the bathroom. Each crossed the threshold with wide, worried eyes, and lowered jaws. Their eyes quickly assessed the situation, and I can only assume it was the lack of blood that made them studiously look away and go about their business with acutely uncomfortable countenances. And, you must consider that these women were mothers and grandmothers, OK? This give important context to the "hulk rage" because they had been around babies before, and yet none looked at me with any sympathy, or understanding. I suppose their reactions were understandable-I was changing his diaper, but I might as well have been cutting off his toes for the noise he was making. Big tears rolled down his face, and he babbled indignantly through his sobs. I fed him as soon as I was able, but because he was still angry he paused several times while nursing to continue telling me off. When it was over, I was happy to realize that I
still have hearing in both ears. I hope the same is true for the others who were in our proximity.
These terrifying rages are thankfully few and far between. I don't know how I would have reacted if the people I had interacted with had felt it their place to say something judgmental or unkind about me or my parenting, based on a small snapshot of my life that does not accurately reflect it as a whole. I can imagine that I would be angry and hurt and frustrated. Not only would they be "kicking me when I'm down," it would also distract me from caring for my baby. Only I know the kind of morning we had already had, or how much I was trying to care for and calm my son. Consequently, I am the only one entitled to hold an opinion on it.
It baffles me that some people think it is OK to pass judgement on other parents. A mother I know recently posted about an experience on her Facebook. She was at a grocery store when her toddler threw a tantrum (like they do). It was at this moment when a stranger opened her big, mean mouth. You guys, she actually had the nerve to tell this mother "you are a bad mom." Just in case you are confused: it is NEVER OK to pass judgement on other parents. This rule is absolute with two exceptions--abuse and neglect. You might not agree with how others parent, and that's OK because you do not have to raise your own children that way. If you want to be helpful try your luck at saying something kind and encouraging.
Every parent in my association is just doing their best. Parenthood is a beautiful, messy adventure. Mine is filled with "hulk rages" and happy smiles and giggles. It is glorious and hard, and has no room to accommodate harsh words and judgements from the unqualified. So please, keep these to yourself!
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